i sit here writing this as i feed my son to sleep. in the peace and comfort of our room, with the quiet hum of the sound machine in the background and his tiny hand playing with the buttons on my shirt. there’s something so beautiful about being on the other side of this, reflecting back. this day changed my life. this is the story of how finley was born into this earth, and of how i was born into motherhood.

June 13 —
all of my pregnancy i thought that i would wake up one day and intuitively *know* that labor was near… but that was not the case. i woke up the morning of june 13th feeling like any other morning. i was having a slight twinge of cramps, similar to the sensation i would get a day or two before my period. it’s probably not even something i would have noticed had i not been on high alert for any signs or symptoms of labor, as i was 4 days passed my due date. i went about my morning as usual and didn’t think much of it, attributing the dull cramping to normal pregnancy aches. i was convinced he wouldn’t be coming until closer to, or after 41 weeks anyway since I still felt so normal, good even! i joked that i must have my due date wrong, and that i surely had a month still to go since i was feeling so comfortable for being 40+ weeks pregnant. i wasn’t feeling rushed or anxious for him to arrive. i felt very at peace and knew he would come when he was ready.
1:00 pm —
i had my weekly appointment with my midwife, regina, that afternoon. up until this point i hadn’t requested any cervical checks, but this time she suggested we do one to see how things were progressing since it was now technically passed my due date. i knew the cervix position has little indication about how close or how far labor is, but i still wanted to know where i was so i could implement some more ripening techniques if necessary. even knowing that the result didn’t mean much, i was still a little bit nervous that i might have 0 progress since, again, i felt so good! i really didn’t feel that labor might be near.
to our pleasant surprise, i was at 3 cm and 80 percent effaced! this sounded like great news, but i reminded myself (and a *very* excited dalton) that you can walk around at 3 cm for days, and that labor could still be a long *long* way off. she advised i continue doing alllll the things like bouncing on the birth ball, taking my evening primrose, and *actually* doing my miles circuits (that i’d honestly been neglecting before… don’t tell regina)
she also suggested i consider getting an “induction massage” with the massage therapist on staff at the birth center. i was hesitant about this... i think it was the word “induction” that scared me. i felt strongly that he would come when he felt ready, and i didn’t want to do *anything* to rush that - even if it was completely natural.

but on the other hand, we didn’t want things to go too far passed 41 weeks and risk having to transfer care to an OBGYN (a requirement in oklahoma at 42 weeks). unfortunately the massage therapist was going to be out of town for the next week, so it was now or never. she reassured me that the massage wouldn’t set anything into motion if my body and my baby weren’t ready, it would only help align the body and encourage optimal positioning which *may* get things going IF the baby and body were ready. so i nervously booked the appointment for the following day, her last time slot before she left town. would i be meeting my baby tomorrow?
after my appointment I went about my day, my parents came by around 4 with some groceries that i needed for dinner that night. they took some cute pictures of pippa snuggled up to my belly, i mentioned “i wonder if she will sense when i’m going into labor”.
looking back at those photos now, i think she knew.
5:20 pm —
around 5:20 i started to notice the dull cramps began to ramp up a little, they still didn’t feel like contractions, but more like true, first day of your period type cramps. i also noticed a few completely pain free braxton hicks. and while achey hips are common at this point in pregnancy, i noticed mine aching a little more than usual.
at this point… i was starting to get suspicious that we might actually get to meet him this week instead of next. i still had no inclination that it would be *soon*, however, since many moms report similar feelings for days if not weeks before labor truly arrives.
by 5:40, my braxton hicks started ramping up and gaining some intensity. looking back now, these might have been real contractions, but in the moment i wasn’t convinced (dalton, however, was suspicious)

6:00 pm —
dalton let me know he was about to head home from work, i told him not to get his hopes up, but that he may want to bring home his work laptop. just in case. i was starting to get a little suspicious that things may ramp up later that night or, more likely, the next day sometime.
i figured i should probably go ahead and make that dinner my parents brought over, just in case, but instead decided to turn on a meditation before dalton got home. dinner could wait 20 minutes.
i finished around 6:20 and had a small snack while i made a video chatting about my “braxton hicks” - i had to pause in the middle to ride out a wave. i had intentions of “vlogging” throughout the experience so i’d have it to look back on one day. but this was one of only 2 videos i made…. soon things would be too intense. i never did make that dinner.
watching this video back, it’s comical that I was still in such denial.
*footnote: i really never did make that dinner... since we lost power for a week at 4 days postpartum and it spoiled. a story for another time.*

6:30 pm —

dalton got home shortly after and we went about our evening, still naively assuming it would be a pretty ordinary night. i think dalton’s comforting presence allowed my body to relax and surrender to the waves, because things began to move along quite quickly after he got home. by 7, he started to notice i was really going inward during each of these “braxton hicks” (as i was still calling them this at this point) and noticed that i was no longer talking through them.

i texted my mom and sister that i thought i might be having contractions, but... again, not to get their hopes up. i still hadn’t felt it was serious enough to text my doula or midwife yet. but over the next hour, things progressed rapidly.

by 7:45 i was finally starting to believe these might actually be real contractions and not just braxton hicks, and at 8 i decided to text my midwife and let her know i thought i might be experiencing some very early contractions

8:00 pm —
i also let my doula know to be on alert that things could be happening, but i didn’t feel i needed her to come over just yet.
from most birth stories i read, this was just the beginning of a very long journey. i assumed i was in very early labor (since i had *just* accepted that i may actually be having contractions) and that i was many many hours if not days away from meeting my son, especially since i was a first time mom. so mentally i was prepared to buckle in and ride through the waves for a *while* before calling on the help of my doula, and even longer before heading in to the birth center.
my midwife suggested I rest, and work through the miles circuit as i am able. but by 8:30 things were getting intense. each contraction fully stopped me in my tracks. i started timing them with an app, they were ranging anywhere from 3-5 minutes apart, and lasting 30 seconds to a minute each. they continued on this pattern with heightening intensity for the next hour.
8:30 pm —
during this time i don’t remember the order of events very clearly, i do remember getting *very* hot at some points and shedding most of my clothes, then i would get *really* cold and wrap up in a fluffy robe as i shivered. i also remember throwing up a few times at some point from the intensity, and remember thinking about a labor fact i had learned in a birth class, that “throwing up meant baby was near”. it was that moment that i finally accepted i was in labor, it was really happening.

9:30 pm —

by 9:30 my contractions were nearly all consistently 3 minutes apart and lasting a minute each. if you’ve given birth before or know much about labor, you know this is the magic number to look for. this was definitely active labor. by this point, dalton had taken over tracking the contractions and texting out any updates - i couldn’t be on my phone anymore. he sent a screenshot of my contraction timer to the midwife, she said it may be a good time for a progress check if i felt like it, but i didn’t.

9:45 pm —

at 9:45 my parents asked if they should come get pippa, according to the time stamps of the texts from that evening, i managed to reply between contractions that i still didn’t think they needed to come yet, i probably still had a while to go. but by 9:55… dalton went ahead and asked them to head this way.

it was around this time that i began to question if i could even do this. the contractions were intense. as much as i had mentally and physically prepared, i was questioning myself and my strength. the hardest part for me was not knowing how long this could go. i thought to myself that if i still had 12 hours left, i wouldn’t make it. this made me feel weak, i wasn’t even at the birth center yet and was already letting the thoughts creep in of wanting to give up my dream birth just for an epidural?! (disclaimer: having or wanting an epidural does NOT make you weak - i felt weak because i was already mentally wavering, it felt so soon into labor. i knew there would be moments of this, but i thought it would come much later than just 2 hours in! if i was already questioning now… i feared there was no way i would get my dream out of hospital birth)

fear began to sink in.

10:15 pm —

my parents arrived at 10:15 to get pippa, but i didn’t want them to come in. i needed to be alone. each contraction was completely stopping me in my tracks and all encompassing. i had to pause wherever i was when one started and completely go within. i couldn’t move through them or i would get extremely nauseous and the pain became too intense. dalton brought pippa out to my parents and they prayed for me at the door. i was moaning through each contraction at this point, and i remember being acutely aware that they were outside and could possibly hear me. i was too prideful and brave to want them to hear me in this state.

while dalton was in the hall with my parents, he updated them on how i was doing, my dad started to worry since i seemed to be in no rush to head in to the birth center despite my contractions being in range to do so. i later learned that he was telling dalton to google what to do in case the baby came before we got there - so needless to say, dalton came back in a little frazzled and suggested we start preparing to head out. i wasn’t totally sold on the idea… but picked up on the slight panic in his voice. i decided to get dressed and let dalton start loading the car.

a little back story to frame my state of mind at this point: the midwives encourage you to labor at home for a little while, since early labor can take many hours or even days for first time moms - they won’t “admit you” to the birth center if you aren’t in active labor yet. i knew that i could go in at any time to check my progress, but if i hadn’t progressed much they may send me back home to continue laboring for a while. i did NOT want to get in the car and drive all the way there in labor, only to be sent back home and have to do it all over again later. dalton had texted with our midwife earlier about my fears, she replied “she will know when the time is right” (she didn’t know just how stubborn i can be)

but reluctantly... i finally agreed to head that way. i remember thinking to myself that if i wasn’t far enough along to admit, i would just go to st francis and give up on my dream birth center birth. if THIS wasn’t the real deal… there’s no way i could handle the real thing.

it took a while to get dressed and get to the car, as i mentioned before - i had to pause what i was doing during each contraction, and i wasn’t moving very quickly in between them. i slowly got dressed over the course of a few contractions and made my way to the car.

10:45 pm —

even just getting out to the car felt like a feat, i had to time it all perfectly. i waited inside by the door for one contraction to end, hoping i could make it to the car before another one began. but as i hobbled down the apartment building hall i had to pause to ride out another, then had one more in the parking lot before finally making it to the car. by 10:45 we were finally on our way. i texted our doula to meet us there.

on the ride there my contractions seemed to dampen slightly, a blessing. i somehow only had 2 on the ride over, which was around a 10 minute drive. at this point… we still hadn’t decided on finley’s middle name. i left dalton in charge of this task and he hadn’t yet made the final call. on the drive, we talked about it between contractions.

we landed on finley lewis.

11:00 pm —

when we arrived we met regina, our midwife, in the exam room to check my progress. i had to pause for a few contractions as i walked from the entrance to the room. i was getting very anxious at this point. was this really it? what if i hadn’t progressed any? what if i still had many hours or days of this ahead? i made it to the room where she checked my cervix for progress… she announced that i was 8 cm dilated and 100% effaced, and likely already in transition. i cried. i could do this. she said we were going to meet our baby soon.

we went to the birthing suite where i worked through a few more contractions as they filled the large tub with water. i had a renewed sense of confidence, knowing i would meet my finley so soon.

the water sounded soothing. i wasn’t set on having a water birth, i figured i would just intuitively go with wherever felt right in the moment. but once i entered the water, i never left until a few hours later... with my son in my arms.

11:45 pm —
the water was just as soothing as they say. everything felt more manageable at this point, still intense, but manageable. or maybe it was just the newfound confidence from knowing my progress.
i remember telling everyone in the room that i wanted to at least make it to midnight so his birthday wouldn’t be on the 13th, it just seems like an unlucky number (i’m not a big enough swiftie to be into that quite yet). everyone celebrated with me when we made it passed midnight.
i had prepared so much for labor, we brought snacks, honey sticks, electrolytes. i had NINE different playlists (so i’d have options depending on my mood, of course) meditations, hypnobirthing tracks, a laminated sheet of labor positions… naturally, i used none of it. instead of music or meditations, my doula just turned on rainfall white noise. it was so soothing to me that i left it going for the entire night and even into the next day.
the next 3 hours became kind of a blur again. i remember it all vividly, but time wasn’t exactly real anymore. the individual contractions felt long and slow, but these few hours felt very fast. after a short while in the tub, my body started pushing. he was moving down. i felt close to the end.
some time after that, it felt like i was pushing through the same area over and over again. like i was repeating the motions and not moving forward as quickly as i would have liked. regina offered to break my waters manually (they hadn’t broken on their own yet) she said this might speed things up so i agreed, and things definitely picked up.
at this point, i was LOUDLY vocalizing through each contraction. i envisioned myself quietly breathing through each wave like you see in so many home birth videos on instagram, but i was *not* quiet, i was breathing through them and keeping my tones deep the best i could, but they were loud. i sounded much more like a dramatic movie scene than a peaceful IG birth. i vaguely remember another mom may have came into the center to begin their birth journey and thinking “oh that poor thing if she has to hear me right now”. from what i could tell, i sounded absolutely feral.

i think he would have arrived even faster, but i realize now that i was holding onto some fears. fears of becoming a mother, fears to let go of my old self, fears that i wasn’t ready. did i even want to do this? it’s wild how interconnected the mind and body are in this experience. somewhere deep inside i was anxious about what was to come, not so much about birth, but about this new life i was entering into. mentally, i was holding onto the life i was meant to leave behind, so my body was physically not fully letting go. i think if i would have worked through that beforehand, things would have cascaded even faster.

at some point, i remember faintly hearing thunder roll by outside. i asked the room and they told me it was, but not to worry. i wasn’t worried, i had actually pictured it raining during my birth. something about it felt so cozy and comfortable, peaceful.

2:40 am —

he had finally really descended. i could feel that we were in the home stretch, and everyone in the rooms reaction confirmed it, the air changed. my attitude changed, i had a determination to get this thing finished. i was tired of contractions, i was ready to be done. he was almost here. regina had me shift positions slightly so that she could be in position to catch him (i was kind of facing the wall before, not very helpful for the birth workers). moving slightly took all of my might, but we were in position now.

2:50 am —

by 2:50 am he was crowning. ah, the good ole ring of fire. i strangely did not have an appropriate level of fear about this part, i told myself by this point… you’ll be so high on hormones you won’t care. but oof let me tell you that part is another level of intensity… truly intense isn’t even a good word for this. it just effing hurts.

2:56 am —

in the birth classes, they teach you to breathe baby down during this part, allowing everything to slowly stretch to minimize tearing. over the next few contractions I pushed, but with some control. at 2:56, his head emerged. i instinctively jerked upwards from the shock and pain, nearly lifting my pelvis (and his head) out of the water. something we didn’t want, since the air on his face would trigger him to begin breathing. but regina moved quick to keep me calm and in the water. i thought the hardest part was over, but waiting for that next contraction was definitely the most grueling moment of the entire experience.

i thought i would be the type to want to see everything happening but in the moment i did not. it was too much. but while waiting for the next contraction… out of the corner of my eye i glanced down and saw that he was almost here. it thoroughly freaked me out.

but it was also incredible. i think this was the moment i really truly realized i was doing this, i was having a baby. the responsibility, the massive life shift, the deep deep love i knew was coming. all of it washed over me. i was shook.

2:57 am —

after i realized i was almost done, i was really mentally done. i remember thinking to myself that the next contraction would be my last. it was time to get this baby earthside.

this whole part is strange, because it’s not like the movies. you have to wait for the next contraction to push again. up until this point, the time between contractions had been moments of restfulness, but this break was filled with fire and intensity. it was so uncomfortable as I waited for the next wave to come. i have a video where regina asked if a contraction was starting yet, i whined “ugh no i want one though!” i was so ready to be done.

2:58 am —

finally, the next contraction came. i welcomed this one, it was time to finish. i gave this contraction everything i had, pushing with all of my strength to move him all the way out. there was no more “letting it stretch”, i was determinedfor this to be my last contraction. after the contraction hit it’s peak i could feel the wave slowing, but i didn’t. i just pushed harder, a last ditch effort. the contraction started to fizzle out.. but i gave it every ounce of strength i had left.